You don't even see me....

My cousin pointed out something to me a while back that I had felt but never said to anyone.

In our family if you are not married and have kids you aren't thought of as an adult. She is so right but, i will take it one step farther they don't even see you.

They come to visit and I love seeing them but, they come for the grand kids not to see me.

Feel like it doesn't matter what I do I wont make you proud till I am married and have a bunch of kids. I know I am not some great person but, it would be nice if you at least heard me when I spoke. Believed in me that I could do great things if I wanted.

I have tried to let people in and know me but, it like you don't want to know me.



The thing I love most about this blog is that since I have no kids or husband I have no pictures of them or updates. So in return no one reads this so it makes it easier for me to say what I want to say without holding back.

So second pity party is over for the day I think.....

Fairy Tales Aren't Real

So maybe I am having a pity party but, this is how I feel so take it or leave it.


I am so sick of people telling me I am young and have plenty of time. Cause I'm not the older I get the more I get annoyed by other people's kids and think how I don't want kids now. I think IF I had a kid now I would be 60 when the kid is 20 yeah I don't want that.



When we are young we are told all these fair tales how the princess gets the prince but, that isn't real life so why do we teach this to the kids??? It isn't fair.. Just like playing with Barbie not every woman is thin so why do we let our kids play with them???

I hate feeling envious of a younger girl that is married, engaged, or pregnant. I hate wishing that was me and knowing that it isn't. Maybe I had my chance and that is all I will have again..

I hate that I wanted to start over in a new place yet since I got there I haven't felt like it is any better then where I was.

I hate that I am willing to come to terms that I will never have a child call me mom or a man call me his wife. Even though it breaks my heart to think about it.

I am tried of believing in so fairy tale story or all the exceptions to the rule.

I hate hearing if so and so found someone there is still hope for you don't give up.. WOW thanks that made me feel so much beter.

I hate when people think they understand what you are going through yet they have always been with the one they are married to. You have no idea what it is like so stop pretending like you do.

I hate that what I have to do is suck it up and get over it cause there is nothing else I can do.

When do I get the desire's of MY heart??? I have asked when do I recieve them??? I guess I don't so I am done..

That is my rant take it or leave it but, this is my blog where I can say what I want this is my rant page..

Changes

I never know how to start my blogs out... So here we go.

Today I went to the lake with this AWESOME couple from church and his brother much fun was had by all. I got to thinking when I got home how much I LOVE hanging with them. I learn something new every time they are so honest and true. You know like you don't feel like they are fake like I have said before I have seen so many fake christians. I always said that I never wanted to be one but, you know what I was really I was a fake person completely. I was one way around my parents, church, and family then went to work, or hang out with my non- christian friends and be completely different.

Now that I have become more faithful in my prayer life and just faithful to God and all he is doing I feel like I am finding ME.. I think I could have told you about me before but, now I am discovering this whole new person that I want to be. I almost feel like a baby christian I craving being around other christians.

There is this super sweet couple in the church they are so fun, she is loud and boisterous he is tall and funny. They are just cute together then you throw in his brother who is just hilarious and so honest about everything. They really have made me open my eyes to a new way of thinking and I am loving it. I was already shouting for God the last 5 months but, the last 3 weeks it has been even more. It amazes me how a conversation with someone can open your eyes so much more.

I look back at where I was going now I was leading my life even 9 months ago and think WOW why was I doing that? How was I never here in the spot that I am now? Why did I never feel like I wanted to shout for Jesus before? Now I want to stand on the roof and tell everyone I see... I am not complaining at all I am so happy with where I am right now and I can't wait to see where it is going to go.

In Love....

I got inspired by a couple other blogs who posted pics of shoes they love so here are some of my favorites. I love these Black patton Ariat's since the first time I saw them a year ago I so want them..

Then there are these BEAUTIES LOVE the red boots so cute...

These are just cute have to have them...

Then there are the heels.... I wasn't a big heels person till recently. I got a couple pairs and not I am addicted to heels.

These I like the look of them but not crazy about the print..

These I want cause they are RED I so want a pair of red shoes....

These are really cute also like them a lot...

Does anybody hear her??

I have always loved the song Does Anybody Hear Her by Casting Crowns for many reasons. So much of that song was me. Not so much any more tho..

I love the line ' she is yearning for shelter and affection that she never got at home she is searching for a hero to ride in to ride in and save the day. And in walks her prince charming and he knows just what to say momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away.'

I have thought about that line many times and I think I finally know why I fell in love with it. So I think part of it is the searching for affection. I am like an affection junky I love that cuddling you know just that touch and holding someone. Showing someone that you care for them.

I think that is why I dated so many loser's cause I was searching for someone just to show me that attention that I needed and wanted. I am dealing with it different now then I did before.

This is what I hate about having a job that doesn't work my brain I have to much time to think. I used to tell myself I didn't want to be a "fake" christian so instead I ran away completely to keep from being a "fake" christian. I have been a more out ward christian in the last few months and he feels great mind, body, and soul. Why did I run from this is what I been thinking all day...

I have made many changes in the last few months and that has help also have surrounded myself with christian people. This summer has been a blessing and a curse I have a wonderful christian woman that is helpful in encouraging me and I encourage her. But it hasn't been all roses we are working with a lady that is unsaved and has many issues. She is very standoffish and doesn't like us listening to christian music and has complained about that. She is trying very hard to stir things up tell lies about me and try to get me in trouble.

It really bothers me tho cause I have gotten so much closer then I have ever been before. I never would have been so out word with my believes before. If someone had a problem with what I was listening to I would change it for them and I am not giving in. I think I am the opposite really I play the music more and don't care what she says. So every day I pray for help to make it through the day and dealing with her.

I know I covered a lot in this post but, I had a lot on my mind and didn't want to do two post.

If we ask and have faith we will recieve

Ok so all our lives we are taught that if we pray and ask God for something we will recieve. I have become more faithful in praying for what I want and I have faith that God will give me what I ask for.

I can't let others change that I was a little excited about something the other day and someone stomped on my excitement. I know that there are people who have no idea what it is like to want something pray for it and sit and let God bring it to you. So much has changed for me in the last 5 months with God's help I have changed my life. The fact that others noticed this that I don't talk to that much means God and I are on the right track here.

I learned that what I thought was stricked as a child was no where near stricked. I am very thankful for all that my parents did for us but, I know there are many reasons why I did the things that I did for the last 10 years I see them now. Some would probly say that it isn't why but, only God and I know the reasons.

I am so happy that God has put me where I am today I know that is for a reason also. I am also excited for where God is leading my life I enjoy talking to people at church, doing activies with them, and having a christian to talk to.

So I am so excited to see where God lead me in the future.....

The Right One...

So I was sitting here thinking and that can be really dangerous but, once upon a time I made a list. So here is what I am thinking for a good man...

Loves God
Smart
Cute
Tall
Sense of humor
Can make me laugh
Funny
Spontaneous
Hard worker
Enjoys fishing
Enjoys the out doors
Family oriented
Wants kids
Has passion
Affectionate
He is a MAN!!! (and acts like one)
Has his own things that he is into
Is there for you when you need him
Honest
Trustworthy
Faithful
Loves me for me
Easy to talk to
MY BEST FRIEND

That person that I can sit and have a conversation about nothing, for hours. This is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

To have those dumb conversation that I have with my other friends and he gets it.. You know he really gets me and I get him..

We have things that we do together yet we also have out separate things..

To know that in 20 years when it is us we will still be able to have a conversation about nothing..

Can sit around and joke on and with each other...

Be goofy at times and silly....

Enjoy life have fun cause you never know what will happen.....