So I was thinking....

I know that can be a bad thing but, when work is slow and there isn't much to do i tend to think about things. There are some things that happened about 2yrs ago that really hurt me and my family. I seem to still think about this and don't know why it is like this ghost that haunts me just when i think I have beat it, it returns.

I wander why it happened and why God wont let me just forget it? You see I thought I had meet the right guy the one i would have babies with and grow old together. Only I had found the one that would hurt me more and deeper then anyone had ever hurt me before.

So why is it so hard to just let this go and forget about it? I want to forget it ever happened it seems the more I try to do that the more he is in my mind. You know that I am afraid to go to a truck stop by myself now because of him. I know that sounds crazy but, if you know me then you understand why that is. I guess this just proves to me that the devil is just a evil if not more then we think cause only he would push me toward a man that acts like a Godly man but, is far from it.

Then I think about this saying I was told one year at Duncan's camp by a very smart christian girl. She said 'Satan sends his best before God sends his very best'. So now I wait for God to send his very best when and if it happens I will be here till God calls us home.

Which leads me to think about all the things that I should stop doing or change to bring that very best. I am working on some of those things it is a long hard road but, I am trying. I was talking to Jason about some of these things that I am going through and he is helping me a lot he has that encouraging voice I hear when I need that little boost in confidence. He is one of very few people that REALLY knows me. The good, the bad, and the ugly in my life I have never had to or wanted to hind things from him. I think that is why we have such a good relationship. Jason made a change in his life about 2 years ago he totally changed everything about him the Jason I knew is no more but, I like the new Jason even more then the old. Because now i can call say this is the struggle I am facing and he says been there this is what you should do. It is so easy to explain how I feel too cause he has been there and did that. Just knowing that he came out of it helps me to know if he can then so can I.

I know I posted a song yesterday but, this is one that hits home with me sometimes I feel like Casting Crowns wrote this song for me. Read the words the look it up on God Tube listen and watch the video. I love this song it is me and says just how I have felt so many times.

She is running

A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

She is trying

But the canyon's ever widening

In the depths of her cold heart

So she sets out on another misadventure just to find

She's another two years older

And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her?

Can anybody see?

Or does anybody even know she's going down today

Under the shadow of our steeple

With all the lost and lonely people

Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her?

Can anybody see?

She is yearning

For shelter and affection

That she never found at home

She is searching

For a hero to ride in

To ride in and save the day

And in walks her prince charming

And he knows just what to say

Momentary lapse of reason

And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her?

Can anybody see?

Or does anybody even know she's going down today

Under the shadow of our steeple

With all the lost and lonely people

Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her?

Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple

If lofty glances from lofty people

Can't see past her scarlet letter

And we've never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple

If lofty glances from lofty people

Can't see past her scarlet letter

And we've never even met her

If Judgement looms under every steeple

If lofty glances from lofty people

Can't see past her scarlet letter

And we've never even met her

Never even met her

(Never Even Met her)